Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
