and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
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