I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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