I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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