me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
