I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
