I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
