so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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