Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
