woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I want a musical about memes.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
