Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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