remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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