I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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