apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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