So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
