I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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