I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
