i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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