I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
