Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
