sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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