Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
