Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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