the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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