my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize