Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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