found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
