Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
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