My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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