this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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