billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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