She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
