Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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