dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
