This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
