If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
