i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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