every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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