Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
