when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
