just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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