an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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