Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
