You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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