Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize