dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
