just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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