Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
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