I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
tell me about the fingering
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
