He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
