shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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