can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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