Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
