Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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