I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize