I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
