I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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