I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
