smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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