Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
