saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
